BALLANCE PARABLES "Words to Smile By"
Time Magazine said:   "Bill Ballance has many imitators but no rivals"

Ballance Website Whimsies

• Young girls get old men in trouble.
• A man never knows how much his wife suffers, unless, of course, he listens.
• You can't take it with you, so have it digitally - transferred.
• An apple falls to the ground faster if it has a worm in it.
• It's always fun to charley horse the long arm of coincidence.
• Men: Never worry about an open fly - what can't get up, can't get out.
• A man, propelled by a whim, took his best girl out to swim - but a man in a punt stuck an oar in her eye and now she has to wear glasses all the time.
• Ballance sobriety test: The aluminum linoleum has a minimum of lanolin with a modicum of molybdenum.
• "How to speed read by strobelight" (Bill Ballance Book).
• Figures don't lie, but girdles condense the truth.
• Ballance reveals how to broaden your sphere, but not your circumference.
• The honeymoon is over the first time she says: "you'll do nothing of the kind".
• Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
• There was a young man from Japan, whose poetry would never scan; when he was asked why, this man would reply, "Well, I try to squeeze every significant syllable into that tricky last line that I possibly can".
• Always check the DNA of your computer.
• Is that a snail-trail on your cheek or a tiny burst of random ectoplasm?
• Always listen to in-laws with nothing less than feigned interest.
• With some chubby women, their stretch pants have no choice!
• The curfew bell won't ring tonight; the Parson has the clapper.
• When I had chicken pox in Peoria, we were so poor; I could only afford one pock.
• You ask, philosophically, why are we here? Because it was too crowded where we were supposed to be.
• Be true to my website and you'll never be grandfathered out.
• I used to love power; now I'm more interested in mileage.
• Never be afraid; after all, F.E.A.R. means False Evidence Appears Real.
• On my Ballance website, what I do is slip a little melted butter into your bran muffin.
• "How to make lottery tickets vital to your financial planning" (Bill Ballance Book).
• In any situation, always ask the question: What's to be gained by it?
• Never die with food in your mouth, lest it muffle your final words.
• No more nuptials for me: Twice, I was dipped in honey and strapped on the anthill of marriage.
• The hardest thing for people to say in 25 words or less is: Goodbye.
• The best way to approach life is with suspicious joviality.
• Life is a hard, unceasing battle between man and his enemies and woman and her friends.