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"Words to Smile By"

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Time Magazine said:   "Bill Ballance has many imitators but no rivals"

Ballance Website Whimsies

  • Young girls get old men in trouble.
  • A man never knows how much his wife suffers, unless, of course, he listens.
  • You can't take it with you, so have it digitally - transferred.
  • An apple falls to the ground faster if it has a worm in it.
  • It's always fun to charley horse the long arm of coincidence.
  • Men: Never worry about an open fly - what can't get up, can't get out.
  • A man, propelled by a whim, took his best girl out to swim - but a man in a punt stuck an oar in her eye and now she has to wear glasses all the time.
  • Ballance sobriety test: The aluminum linoleum has a minimum of lanolin with a modicum of molybdenum.
  • "How to speed read by strobelight" (Bill Ballance Book).
  • Figures don't lie, but girdles condense the truth.
  • Ballance reveals how to broaden your sphere, but not your circumference.
  • The honeymoon is over the first time she says: "you'll do nothing of the kind".
  • Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
  • There was a young man from Japan, whose poetry would never scan; when he was asked why, this man would reply, "Well, I try to squeeze every significant syllable into that tricky last line that I possibly can".
  • Always check the DNA of your computer.
  • Is that a snail-trail on your cheek or a tiny burst of random ectoplasm?
  • Always listen to in-laws with nothing less than feigned interest.
  • With some chubby women, their stretch pants have no choice!
  • The curfew bell won't ring tonight; the Parson has the clapper.
  • When I had chicken pox in Peoria, we were so poor; I could only afford one pock.
  • You ask, philosophically, why are we here? Because it was too crowded where we were supposed to be.
  • Be true to my website and you'll never be grandfathered out.
  • I used to love power; now I'm more interested in mileage.
  • Never be afraid; after all, F.E.A.R. means False Evidence Appears Real.
  • On my Ballance website, what I do is slip a little melted butter into your bran muffin.
  • "How to make lottery tickets vital to your financial planning" (Bill Ballance Book).
  • In any situation, always ask the question: What's to be gained by it?
  • Never die with food in your mouth, lest it muffle your final words.
  • No more nuptials for me: Twice, I was dipped in honey and strapped on the anthill of marriage.
  • The hardest thing for people to say in 25 words or less is: Goodbye.
  • The best way to approach life is with suspicious joviality.
  • Life is a hard, unceasing battle between man and his enemies and woman and her friends.


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