"Words to Smile By"
Time Magazine said: "Bill
Ballance has many imitators but no rivals"
Ballance Website Whimsies
- Young girls get old men in trouble.
- A man never knows how much his wife suffers,
unless, of course, he listens.
- You can't take it with you, so have it digitally
- An apple falls to the ground faster if it has a
worm in it.
- It's always fun to charley horse the long arm of
- Men: Never worry about an open fly - what can't
get up, can't get out.
- A man, propelled by a whim, took his best girl
out to swim - but a man in a punt stuck an oar in her eye and now she has to wear glasses
all the time.
- Ballance sobriety test: The aluminum linoleum has
a minimum of lanolin with a modicum of molybdenum.
- "How to speed read by strobelight"
(Bill Ballance Book).
- Figures don't lie, but girdles condense the
- Ballance reveals how to broaden your sphere, but
not your circumference.
- The honeymoon is over the first time she says:
"you'll do nothing of the kind".
- Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
- There was a young man from Japan, whose poetry
would never scan; when he was asked why, this man would reply, "Well, I try to
squeeze every significant syllable into that tricky last line that I possibly can".
- Always check the DNA of your computer.
- Is that a snail-trail on your cheek or a tiny
burst of random ectoplasm?
- Always listen to in-laws with nothing less than
- With some chubby women, their stretch
pants have no choice!
- The curfew bell won't ring tonight; the Parson
has the clapper.
- When I had chicken pox in Peoria, we were so
poor; I could only afford one pock.
- You ask, philosophically, why are we here?
Because it was too crowded where we were supposed to be.
- Be true to my website and you'll never be
- I used to love power; now I'm more interested in
- Never be afraid; after all, F.E.A.R. means False
Evidence Appears Real.
- On my Ballance website, what I do is slip a
little melted butter into your bran muffin.
- "How to make lottery tickets vital to your
financial planning" (Bill Ballance Book).
- In any situation, always ask the question: What's
to be gained by it?
- Never die with food in your mouth, lest it muffle
your final words.
- No more nuptials for me: Twice, I was dipped in
honey and strapped on the anthill of marriage.
- The hardest thing for people to say in 25 words
or less is: Goodbye.
- The best way to approach life is with suspicious
- Life is a hard, unceasing battle between man and
his enemies and woman and her friends.